I like to blog when I’m hungover. I’m not hungover but I was yesterday. That still counts. So I’m goin’ to TV town. “I like to blog”. Did I write that? My ass is livin’ in 2005. I’m drinking fucking caffeinated alcohol up in this bitch.
Let’s talk that Homefront. Man, historically, I’m not the biggest fan of the Showtime TV shows. Dexter is fine, but, uh, Weeds? Weeds is an exercise in the quirky, ironic, grotesque. Californication? Possibly the worst thing ever made, ever, in the history of life. If that there Spanish Inquisition woulda’ got ahold of a couple episodes of Californication they coulda’ thrown out their Iron Maidens and Racks. And The United States of fuckin’ Tara? What the fuck is that all about? Why would that dude stay married to her? Can you imagine the colossal damage she is doing to her kid by having a new personality every goddamn day?
Showtime is not exactly screaming by with a hot track record on these TV shows, compared to… well, HBO. Although Luck isn’t looking so hot. David Milch is involved! I used to defend that John from Cincinnati but I came to my senses. Horrible stuff.
Anyways. On to the Homeland.
Claire Danes who has somehow along the way become a good actress and was in one of the best movies ever made: Terminator 3 Rise of the Machines, plays a CIA agent named Carrie Mathison. She believes a Marine named Brody, who was held captive by Al Qaeda and then rescued by the CIA, was turned by Mr. Qaedas into an enemy operative. I’ve watched episode 1 and 2 so I’m going to write about episode 3. But here’s a quick synopsis of episode 1 and 2 based on what I remember.
Episode 1 Claire Danes decides this marine feller by the name of Brody who was a POW for like 10 years and was then rescued might have become a turncoat. She takes anti-psychotic pills because she’s got the crazies. Some stuff happens. The marine’s best guy, another marine, has been having the Sex with the marine’s wife while he was hanging with the Al Qaeda and now of course that’s over because the Marine is home. Marine POW Brody has one awkward scene where he has sex with his wife and he gets real aggressive. It wasn’t very sexy.
Episode 2. Claire Danes takes more psych meds. She gets a 6 week warrant to spy on POW marine. The problem is, her superior doesn’t want to believe any of this turncoat business.
And now that we’re up to speed with the Homeland biz, let’s get right into… episode 3.
Best intro ever. Noir jazz music. Filtered hyper reality. An upside down Obama. Silver sky. Black and white images of 9/11.
The guy who plays her more sympathetic supervisor at the CIA, Saul, got Carrie the warrant, and he was in Dead Like Me. His name is Manny Patinkon or something. I love him a little. He’s my TV father. Dead Like Me was another show on Showtime, but it was pretty great.
Arabic prince guy is having sex with a blonde in a nice hotel room during the day. She is covertly working for the CIA. After sex, he leaves and blondie is going to attach a device to his phone. I think she got busted. he is making her look in the mirror. Now he is putting a necklace on her. I guess he didn’t see how nervous she got. They are going to have more sex.
Marine POW Brody is doing a TV spot … “a homecoming of an American Hero” type of thing.
POW’s daughter is smoking pot with her friends down by the river. Cool!
Now the CIA are having a meeting about the prince.
I have a bad feeling that the blonde who downloaded the prince’s phone is gonna get in trouble!
The marine POW turncoat is having trouble relating to his children after all these years gone. Wait. No he’s actually not. He’s totally a ginger and they relate to children easily because they are like kindly bears.The wife can’t relate to the kid but the POW guy is relating. Mom is totally jealous.
I wonder if the necklace is bugged! Maybe the prince is bugging the blonde. I wonder if that’s how this thing is gonna play out. Not too much wondering. Some wondering.
The wife asks the Brody marine what he and the daughter were they were talking about when they were all relating N shit. He said “The Youtube”. He’s sympathetic. I like him.
The POW Brody marine is giving an interview.
Flashbacks to scenes of torture. Brody, the marine bear, apparently has 2 pages of scars and identifying marks of abuse on him. That Mommy Dearest shit.
The mom is taking her daughter to Gaucho taco. I want Gaucho tacos.
Damn, Gaucho tacos is where the daughter calls out her mom for fucking Marine Brody Kind Bear Father’s best friend.
A lot of the show is based on the surveillance of the Brody residence. It’s weird watching a show where they are watching a show.
Brody sleeps on the floor.
Cut to …blond in the club. Prince’s security asks the blond to go make a new business contact happy. Cut to…Brody on floor, and wife kneels down to have a serious conversation.
She wants to have sex, she’s feeling him up and so on.
He asks her to take her shirt off. He keeps his on. He has a shirt fetish.
He is standing there, jerking off in front of her. I guess he’s going to jerk off in front of her. Yup. He jerked off in front of her, possibly on her, and now he’s back down on the floor. Maybe he jerked off on her shirt. He’s hot for shirts!
The blonde who bugged the prince is dead. Shot. They figured out that she was a spy. They planted bugs on the moon and that’s how they were watching her.
I have all these leftover chips from my sweater party. Totally eatin’ these.
Cut to… marine takes daughter to fence filled with padlocks that were put their by high school couples who thought they would stay together forever. Brody and daughter have a heart-to-heart about him jerking his shit while staring at her mom. Or it was about other shit.
I wonder what other people’s belly buttons smell like. Do you ever wonder that?
Now the marine and family are on TV doing the interview in the house. The daughter says “it’s been great having him home.” She chooses not to tell the dad that her mom, his wife, was fucking his best friend while he was gone. Maybe the best friend was jerking off in a shirt too.
A-hah. The prince’s head of security had the blonde killed without the prince even really knowing, and the jewelry was stolen by someone he had hired and sold by the head of security to … fund his pokeman card addiction? What? What is even going on?
The thing I’ve noticed about this show is that every episode is a bunch of events that ends on a cliffhanger.. I think I may have just described every TV show ever. I solved TV folks.